If you’re like me you got your fill of salty meats yesterday and then saw fireworks all night long.

In honor of the 4th of July I just wanted to share with you some of my favorite things about Independence Day.

Flame on! (favorite fireworks)

• Roman Candle
• Black Snake
• Cluster Buster
• Bottle Rocket
• Sparklers
• Catherine Wheel

FFILF (Founding Fathers I’d Like to Fuck)
Okay, I’ve got some daddy issues but there’s more to it than that.

I imagine the secret conspiratorial meetings of these revolutionaries for the sausage fests they were. It’s summertime in Philadelphia in 1776 and in a musty room, dozens of powdered-up men have assembled. Despite the heat, they’re dressed in short pants and white stockings, each with their quill in hand as they wait their turn to leave their mark and declare their yearning for liberty.

The sexiest founding fathers, the FFILF are:

• John Hancock
  I can’t help it, I’m a size queen.
• Thomas Jefferson
  Because he had a thing for slaves.
• George Washington
  The wooden teeth came out. Need I say more?